All I Want For Chirstmas Is A Pizzazz

1. My favorite Christmas was.... the year I got a Pizzazz. Hashtag lard ass.

2. The worst Christmas I had... was when my parents got divorced and then gave me lots of ‘guilt’ presents. Wait. I got two pairs of Uggs that year so actually it wasn’t THAT terrible. I mean except for the fact that my life was completely a mess at that time.

3. That one gift that made me scratch my head and say, "Hmmmm" was... birth control. Because I obviously didn’t use it.

4. One year I.... got new roller skates. My mom and I decided to then go roller skating on Christmas since it wasn’t snowing. Not even two minutes down the bike trial my mom falls and ends up having to have major knee surgery. Safe to say I’ve never done that again.

5. I think the worst gift to give is.... those stupid effin pre-packaged soap, hand wash, body wash with a loofa. You know what I’m talking about. They usually come in some woven basket and have knockoff smells since they are usually purchased at Wal-Mart

6. At Christmastime I typically.... don’t get in the Christmas Spirit. I haven’t put up a tree and my mom made Dexter this sweeeeeeeeet felt tree he can play with and I think I am going to call that good and just talk a lot about Santa and watch Christmas specials so he gets it.

7. Typically, family Christmas.... is pretty chill. We don’t have a humongous extended family and I kind of enjoy that considering I barely like being around myself let alone a room full of relatives I have little in common with.

8. If I could change one thing about the Holiday season.... it would be that people feel the need to get me a gift. Because then it means I have to get you a gift which just pisses me off to no end.

9. It is so hard to buy for.... Oprah. That biotch has everything.

10. My favorite Christmas tradition is... getting to open a present a day till Christmas. Now calm down for a damn second. It’s not like I was opening Skip It’s and Lite Brite’s every day. It was that trinkety little shit. Basically the equivalent to the Target dollar section these day. Fun fact about Skip It's. In the 4th grade we got to go outside for Recess and a girl in my class had one and she let me borrow it.. Unfortunately my feet were so wide and the pair of New Balance white and navy puffy tongued shoes were too big and wide and my foot wouldn't fit in the hoop.

11. Santa, baby, bring me a .... Pizzazz. I miss it. #foreveralone

Mondays Can Suck It

This is what goes on in my head Sunday night on the weeks I don’t have Dex.

You’re going to get up at 6am and work out to Jillian and make savory oats and a banana! Don’t forget to Instagram it cause otherwise it does not count.

Next I will take a shower free of interruption while blasting Enya to keep me in a calm mood for the start of a busy week. Complete zen.

Then I will dry my hair and straighten my hair to perfection and praying I somehow end up looking like the beautiful locks that Sami possess.

I will then take the time to use all the brushes and creams and powders and apply my makeup to have flawlessly looking skin that resembles Juliette as close as possible.

Finally I will pack a nutritious yet flavorful lunch that will keep me satisfied and filled all day without getting ANY cravings.

This day has happened about two times in the last 3 months.

This is what Monday really looks like.

Alarm goes off at 6AM. I hit snooze

6:05 Snooze.

6:10 Snooze

6:15 Second alarm goes off.

6:20 The alarms start competing with one another and I am being constantly serenaded with Lou Bega’s Mambo No. 5 and Chingy’s One Call Away

6:30 I shut the alarms off and begin to look at social media like a one eyed pirate.

6:35 I drop the phone on my face and say to hell with Monday and fall back asleep.

7:15 I am violently woken up when the trash man comes and takes approximately 23 minutes to empty the dumpsters.

7:25 I do quick math in my head to think about how quickly I can get ready since my office is only 6 blocks away.

7:27 I get distracted by looking at Instagram photos again from earlier in the morning.

7:29 I get up and stare at my closet for 5 minutes trying to decide what I am going to not wear.

7:34 I get in the shower and blast Eminem’s Curtain Call CD.

7:40 I look in the mirror and realize I resemble Spooge’s Lady from Breaking Bad and know that no amount of makeup is going to help this cluster eff of a face of mine.

7:42 Put on enough bronzer to put Snookie to shame then to only remove almost all of it in shame. Much like Taylor.

7:44 Brush through my rats nest violently and turn on my straightener.

7:45 Go into kitchen and see I have ‘nothing’ to eat and then just say eff it and grab a microwave popcorn bag and an apple.

7:47 Change multiple times.

7:52 Put on the original outfit I started with.

7:54 Run my mostly wet hair through my straightener and then smell my hair burning and stop.

7:56 Remember that it’s -5 outside and start my car.

7:58 Scrolling through @NotGaryBusey’s twitter and laugh uncontrollably.

8:00 Realize I still don’t have my coat and shoes on and proceed to search for them everywhere.

8:05 I’ve now sweated off all the makeup that was on and my hair is starting to get greasy even though I just took a shower.

 

8:08 Say all 7 of the cuss words that George Carlin so clearly stated and get into my car. Which, by the way, I started but forget to turn on the heat.

8:10 Arrive to the office and realize I forgot my lunch. JJ’s Unwich it is.

8:15 Sit at my desk sweating worse than a ho-ho-ho at church and contemplate leaving early.

8:20 Get on Twitter and realize everyone else is having a shitty Monday and commiserate with them.

Basically what I am saying is that Monday can suck my non-existent left nut.

Don't Call It A Comeback

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

I'm in a bit of shock.

I took three months off from blogging to deal with the cluster eff I call my life and I didn't think I would return.

That cluster eff some of you are wondering about is still that. A cluster. I could write a small lifetime mini series about it but then I would actually have to sit down and write it. Which. I have zero desire to do. Just trust that I'm in a much better place and honestly kinda having a shiz load of fun. Hashtag Mommy Goes To The Bar Now.

I feel like I need to catch you guys up to speed a bit. So here it goes...

Still living in Nebraska.

Having a new found love for bottled Dasani water.

Starting to let Dexter bake with me and letting go of my OCD controlling mother life ways.

Listening to 'Insert Pop Culture' every chance I get on iTunes.

New apartment. 

New job working in the medical field.

Same potty mouth.

New dress size.

Still jammin' to old Mumford, Adele, Die Antwoord, Lorde, Waka Flocka Flame, Girl Talk and Kanye.

Same little punk who refuses to actually go to the bathroom in the actual bathroom but everywhere other than the bathroom. Side note - I really can't express how much I hate the word 'panties'. It makes me gag quicker than a college freshman girl during Greek week drinking night. Please do not use that phrase around me. I will gag and dry heave and possibly vom. Nobody needs to see that.

I got to see my twin/sister/best friend/spirit animal/Allie/Toatsy on my birthday. It was something I honestly thought would never happen and I'm having a hard time believing it's been almost two months since I have seen her but gawd I miss her in a totally creepy way. We got to blate with Sara and Jen. Miss those little brats like crazy as well.

Gchat still makes me want to punch a baby in the face. HEY GOOGLE GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER AND QUIT TRYING TO MAKE GOOGLE PLUS HAPPEN.

I'm still helping with IWYP behing the scenes. Most of you might actually not know that but yes. I am the task master and tell Whit that she needs to lay off the wine and get her shiz together. Speaking of that... get excited! The new IWYP shirt collection is being debuted TOMORROW. I get a crazy case of the happies when I see the shirts and know that Whit is putting so.much.work. into this and the feedback she is getting is quite amazing.

I'm still on social media but its all under the same thing now. @brindather for EVERYTHING. Because that is extremely easy.

I think we're pretty much back to speed on my life. It feels like forever ago that I sat down and wrote but now that I am back I have a feeling I won't be able to stop.

Big thanks to Whit for the snazzy new layout and NO you can't have it back!

Lastly. I just need everyone to go read everything this woman has ever written. Pure-effin-genius. You won't be sorry.