My Secret

I have only done it twice this week but I got FLOODED with emails, texts and Instagram messages on how in the world am I burning that many calories in a little over an hour. Here it is. I’m fatter than you all. Yup. That’s my secret. I weight more than most of you asking and I’m pushing myself as hard as I possibly can so my heart rate is going up and it’s working my muscles and making me sweat like a pig.

I have had lots of people on my Facebook wanting me to email them ‘my secret’. I want to laugh in their face. I really want to laugh in everyone’s face who asks that question. The ‘secret’ is eating well in portion controlled sizes while breaking a sweat and drinking lots of water. I can’t commit to taking any sort of powder, supplement, prepackaged dinner or anything close to that to lose weight. Why? Well for one that’s not in my budget. I had to pick if I wanted to work with a trainer or get something like that. I chose the trainer. Also because I don’t want to make myself believe that some sort of supplement like that is making me lose the weight. I want to know that it was my hard work and dedication that got the weight off. That’s just me. Some people might work extremely well with a program that delivers your food to your door or has you replace one meal a day with a shake. I just can’t do that to my body when I have no clue how it’s going to react to it. Some people have great success with it. But I have never heard of someone eating healthy, working out and drinking a ridiculous amount of water NOT lose any weight. If you are that person or know that person please direct me to them. Because I want to call your bluff and tell you that you are probably cheating yourself when it comes to eating or not pushing yourself in the gym. I am the Queen of Excuses and I can smell that bullshit a mile away. So quit feeling like you’re ‘too fat’ to work out. Getting over the embarrassment of people seeing you work out is going to be the most difficult thing. I know it’s hard and I know you might feel embarrassed or overwhelmed going to the gym and not knowing how machines work. But. Being embarrassed for that short period of time while asking for help is a lot better than being embarrassed and ashamed the rest of your life because you’re not satisfied with how your body looks.  

 

Mondays Can Suck It

This is what goes on in my head Sunday night on the weeks I don’t have Dex.

You’re going to get up at 6am and work out to Jillian and make savory oats and a banana! Don’t forget to Instagram it cause otherwise it does not count.

Next I will take a shower free of interruption while blasting Enya to keep me in a calm mood for the start of a busy week. Complete zen.

Then I will dry my hair and straighten my hair to perfection and praying I somehow end up looking like the beautiful locks that Sami possess.

I will then take the time to use all the brushes and creams and powders and apply my makeup to have flawlessly looking skin that resembles Juliette as close as possible.

Finally I will pack a nutritious yet flavorful lunch that will keep me satisfied and filled all day without getting ANY cravings.

This day has happened about two times in the last 3 months.

This is what Monday really looks like.

Alarm goes off at 6AM. I hit snooze

6:05 Snooze.

6:10 Snooze

6:15 Second alarm goes off.

6:20 The alarms start competing with one another and I am being constantly serenaded with Lou Bega’s Mambo No. 5 and Chingy’s One Call Away

6:30 I shut the alarms off and begin to look at social media like a one eyed pirate.

6:35 I drop the phone on my face and say to hell with Monday and fall back asleep.

7:15 I am violently woken up when the trash man comes and takes approximately 23 minutes to empty the dumpsters.

7:25 I do quick math in my head to think about how quickly I can get ready since my office is only 6 blocks away.

7:27 I get distracted by looking at Instagram photos again from earlier in the morning.

7:29 I get up and stare at my closet for 5 minutes trying to decide what I am going to not wear.

7:34 I get in the shower and blast Eminem’s Curtain Call CD.

7:40 I look in the mirror and realize I resemble Spooge’s Lady from Breaking Bad and know that no amount of makeup is going to help this cluster eff of a face of mine.

7:42 Put on enough bronzer to put Snookie to shame then to only remove almost all of it in shame. Much like Taylor.

7:44 Brush through my rats nest violently and turn on my straightener.

7:45 Go into kitchen and see I have ‘nothing’ to eat and then just say eff it and grab a microwave popcorn bag and an apple.

7:47 Change multiple times.

7:52 Put on the original outfit I started with.

7:54 Run my mostly wet hair through my straightener and then smell my hair burning and stop.

7:56 Remember that it’s -5 outside and start my car.

7:58 Scrolling through @NotGaryBusey’s twitter and laugh uncontrollably.

8:00 Realize I still don’t have my coat and shoes on and proceed to search for them everywhere.

8:05 I’ve now sweated off all the makeup that was on and my hair is starting to get greasy even though I just took a shower.

 

8:08 Say all 7 of the cuss words that George Carlin so clearly stated and get into my car. Which, by the way, I started but forget to turn on the heat.

8:10 Arrive to the office and realize I forgot my lunch. JJ’s Unwich it is.

8:15 Sit at my desk sweating worse than a ho-ho-ho at church and contemplate leaving early.

8:20 Get on Twitter and realize everyone else is having a shitty Monday and commiserate with them.

Basically what I am saying is that Monday can suck my non-existent left nut.