Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Mondays Can Suck It

This is what goes on in my head Sunday night on the weeks I don’t have Dex.

You’re going to get up at 6am and work out to Jillian and make savory oats and a banana! Don’t forget to Instagram it cause otherwise it does not count.

Next I will take a shower free of interruption while blasting Enya to keep me in a calm mood for the start of a busy week. Complete zen.
Wallpapers enya 01

Then I will dry my hair and straighten my hair to perfection and praying I somehow end up looking like the beautiful locks that Sami possess.

I will then take the time to use all the brushes and creams and powders and apply my makeup to have flawlessly looking skin that resembles Juliette as close as possible.

Finally I will pack a nutritious yet flavorful lunch that will keep me satisfied and filled all day without getting ANY cravings.

This day has happened about two times in the last 3 months.

This is what Monday really looks like.

Alarm goes off at 6AM. I hit snooze

6:05 Snooze.

6:10 Snooze

6:15 Second alarm goes off.

6:20 The alarms start competing with one another and I am being constantly serenaded with Lou Bega’s Mambo No. 5 and Chingy’s One Call Away
One Call Away

6:30 I shut the alarms off and begin to look at social media like a one eyed pirate.

6:35 I drop the phone on my face and say to hell with Monday and fall back asleep.

7:15 I am violently woken up when the trash man comes and takes approximately 23 minutes to empty the dumpsters.

7:25 I do quick math in my head to think about how quickly I can get ready since my office is only 6 blocks away.

7:27 I get distracted by looking at Instagram photos again from earlier in the morning.

7:29 I get up and stare at my closet for 5 minutes trying to decide what I am going to not wear.

7:34 I get in the shower and blast Eminem’s Curtain Call CD.

7:40 I look in the mirror and realize I resemble Spooge’s Lady from Breaking Bad and know that no amount of makeup is going to help this cluster eff of a face of mine.
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1o5eo0/older_married_men_how_much_did_your_wife_turn_out/

7:42 Put on enough bronzer to put Snookie to shame then to only remove almost all of it in shame. Much like Taylor.

7:44 Brush through my rats nest violently and turn on my straightener.

7:45 Go into kitchen and see I have ‘nothing’ to eat and then just say eff it and grab a microwave popcorn bag and an apple.

7:47 Change multiple times.

7:52 Put on the original outfit I started with.

7:54 Run my mostly wet hair through my straightener and then smell my hair burning and stop.

7:56 Remember that it’s -5 outside and start my car.

7:58 Scrolling through @NotGaryBusey’s twitter and laugh uncontrollably.

8:00 Realize I still don’t have my coat and shoes on and proceed to search for them everywhere.

8:05 I’ve now sweated off all the makeup that was on and my hair is starting to get greasy even though I just took a shower.
 

8:08 Say all 7 of the cuss words that George Carlin so clearly stated and get into my car. Which, by the way, I started but forget to turn on the heat.

8:10 Arrive to the office and realize I forgot my lunch. JJ’s Unwich it is.

8:15 Sit at my desk sweating worse than a ho-ho-ho at church and contemplate leaving early.

8:20 Get on Twitter and realize everyone else is having a shitty Monday and commiserate with them.

Basically what I am saying is that Monday can suck my non-existent left nut.

6 comments:

  1. 7:47... just put on some damn yoga pants. Haven't you learned ANYTHING from me?

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  2. So glad you're back blogging! And yes, Mondays can suck it... especially yesterday! No bueno, that one was!

    (Also, do you go the whole week w/o Dex? Must be hard on your mama heart! :/)

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  3. Oh hey that's almost exactly what my mornings look like!

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  4. Hahaha... once I'm back from vacation I am going to call you EVERY DAMN MORNING and wake you up at an appropriate time. This is happening.

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  5. I just laughed so hard I snorted. Pete is staring at me, judging. There is something fresh and utterly hysterical about the way in which you frame seemingly ordinary phrases such as "savory oats" and "nutritious yet flavorful lunch".

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